When a Deal is too Good to be True: Buy It

There are pivotal moments in life when we have a great deal at the end of our finger tips but we revert to Protestant self-deprecation and believe that we aren't entitled so the deal must be too good to be true.

I was sick as a dog in Melbourne and moving out from staying in a friend's basement to a hostel. The last thing I wanted to do was share my sickness with 5 suddenly close strangers (and I doubt very much they wanted much to do with me at that moment either). What I needed as a bed, a tv and AC for a couple days so I could sleep it off and get better.

I looked on Hotwire as this is my usual go to for hotel deals in North America. They're clearly not so big in Australia as my options were limited and about $150 AUD/night. So I flipped over to Expedia (Expedia.com.au) to see what they could muster up. Much to my surprise/delight/skepticism they pulled up what was listed as a single bed room at The Space Hotel for about $45/night. This was only slightly higher than a dorm rate so my skepticism immediately took over. I scoped out then hotel/hostel's website (https://www.spacehotel.com.au) and saw they indeed had single bed private rooms so I snatched up the deal on Expedia and started packing my bags.

Stopping at the pharmacy on the way over and getting myself summarily drugged up on flu meds I arrived to check in longing for nothing more then to crash as quickly as possible. I handed over my passport and was told my reservation had been cancelled as it had been booked for a bed in a girl's dorm and that Expedia should have called me to let me know this.

Now, if I have any advice for anyone anywhere on dealing with people in customer service positions it's that you should never (ever) yell at them, this does nothing for you as they have the power to decide if they want to help you or just put you out. It's always better if they take pity on you rather than dislike you. So, as my very wise friend Darcie once told me: 1) kill them with kindness and if that fails; 2) cry.

So the wonderful, beautiful, amazing Emily working behind the desk probably saw the angst (and nausea) rise in my face as I explained I was so sick and just needed a bed, I had been sent a confirmed reservation and that all I wanted was a private room. She calmly told me their private rooms ran $99/night and that was all she could offer directly but as Expedia was the middle-person she offered to call them up.

Now to say I was on slightly high on meds is an understatement. I was out of my fucking head and could barely converse with glowing Emily let alone the Expedia call centre but she took care of it got them on the line and told them The Space Hotel could put me up but only at the higher rate. And god bless Expedia they agreed to cover the difference and offered me a $50 credit for future use on their site: a $150 value.

So my advice is simple: when you see a good deal, fucking take it. You're only a sucker if you get nothing but you're a winner when you save 63% on accommodations in a major city over two nights.

Thank you to Expedia for being such stand-up folks and honouring the deal they made with me. Thank you to The Space Hotel for providing such a great space for me to nurse myself back into fighting shape. Most of all thank-you to the amazing, beautiful, wonderful, glowing Emily for being so kind, taking care of me and handling the whole situation with Expedia with such poise: you are an absolute star.

Review: ARQ

As soon as I met the third person who told me that they hated ARQ I knew I had to go. Only the best clubs have the biggest detractors and the level of sheer hatred for this club meant it had to be good.

So after drinking all afternoon at a friend's BBQ I stumbled out and on to Oxford Street to meet my dancing destiny. As tends to happen when I'm hammered I wound up being picked up by 6 gays and a drag queen who were headed to Ruby Rabbit. I'm regularly amazed on my "day afters" how frequently people pick up a relatively incoherent mess and take them with them to a place and this evening was no exception.

I hung around Ruby Rabbit for a couple drinks and a Gaga performance by the aforementioned drag queen. One of the perks of entering a place with a DQ is that you can often get a free pass on cover; consider them like an aggressive, loud VIP card that might end up scratching your eyes out.

In any case I eventually dragged myself out the door and after a quick slice of pizza strutted (stumbled) into ARQ ($15 cover btw - I think).

It's impressive but generally standard fair for gay clubs these days. Three levels with the basement lounge and typical main dance floor and upper crowsnest viewing level. Best feature is the thousands they've obviously poured into their lighting and sound systems. Unsurprisingly for Sydney the men were gorgeous, half shirtless and mostly all "medicated".

I always have challenges in these environments as a half naked drugged up stud is really just an emotional adolescent. They don't want to feign interest in case you shatter their world and destroy their buzz by not being interested yourself. They seem to think it's always best to look at everyone else like a troll and act like you've got the biggest cock this side of the Pacific. Personally I cannot operate this way - I'm a smiler (15 years of orthodontic work needs to pay for something and it's my WMD especially in countries like Australia where they tend to have shitty teeth). In any case I like to look people in the eye and make a connection but this is not without it's challenges in an environment like ARQ where everyone is so guarded out of fear of rejection.

Which brings us to ARQ's best feature: Trashbag Alley. Accessible by the back stairs it's where the crowds go to smoke, converse and purchase $30 breath mints (though I would advise saving your money for a more reputable erm..... mint dealer). Anyway, if you're trying to meet someone this is exactly where I'd do it. If you're confused on an opening line just ask for a light, smile and work it out from there.

Drinks were either $8 or $9 depending on who's serving you and those still may not be local prices (I need to work on my Aussie accent, currently it's still too pirate-y). The drinks are also weak and don't allow doubles which is practically a war crime in a gay bar but I suppose a wise business decision as an extra $3 or $4 for a double is a hell of lot less than coming back for another round of singles. A word to the wise: 1) drink A LOT before coming and 2) there's one bull dyke bartender and you should avoid her at all costs and definitely do not tip. I don't use the word cunt lightly but she's a nasty cunt. Full stop.

Oh and the music was adequate - good remixes, lots to shake your ass to, but nothing earth shattering for a gay club.

Will I go back? Naturally, but I have enough sense of my self and who I am to stay above the pretension and just be me. I'm a big believer in the idea that you catch more flies with honey and according to my phone I caught 4 flies, found my first Aussie snake in the bathroom (and boy was it a big one) and spent the next day in bed (we left at 9am) with a handsome, sweet boy who was great kisser. Success.

Ratings:
Men - 4.5/5 (statistically perfect as there's no such thing as a 5/5 room full of gay men)
Music - 3.5/5
Atmosphere - 3.5/5
Pretension - 5/5
Overall - 4/5

Photo credits: arqsydney.com.au

When Trying to Save Money Goes Too Far: Cutting Your Own Hair

The bills from any trip have a tendency to grow exponentially. As you check in on credit card balances and realize you're spending like a sailor on leave you sometimes try and find creative ways to cut corners.

I'm on a 6 month voyage this time around and have typically like to keep my hair buzzed short for both the simplicity (less time, less fuss) and to save money on product and the idea that I can often do it myself with a pair of clippers.

My first round was relatively successful but when doing a quick touch up before leaving for Melbourne I had an errant guard slip off leaving me with a "landing strip" running up the back of the neck

Although I was initially horrified that I had done this to myself I had to quickly find the humour in the situation or I'd be left in bed crying for days waiting for it to grow in. This is a classic example of when trying to save money goes too far. As a general rule of thumb if your cost cutting may result in self-mutilation: it's gone too far. Other examples: at home dentistry, making your own shoes, back alley tattoos, etc.

Instead, I'd advise paying for a proper haircut and maybe cooking a few meals at home or skipping out on a drinking night. The overall value is greater than the $20 you'd drop on a haircut.

I must thank George at The Melbourne Barber Shop (394 Russell St, 9663 8548) for saving my neck (pun intended) and doing a right job of fixing me up. He was a prince, taking me in between appointments, and left me looking sharp and fit to engage in the world once again. Thanks George!

P.s. sorry the photo layout is shit, I'm having trouble using blogger with my iPad effectively.

Review: Grindr

I'm a big believer in the importance of meeting locals when traveling. Not only does this provide incomparable insight into a city's "hidden gems" but it's also an essential part of actually experiencing a city the way people live in it. As a Canadian I know we're everywhere, and in any given city I can likely find another Canadian traveler at damn near any hostel, particularly if that hostel provides free breakfast and wifi (Canadian backpackers tend to be value shoppers).

Now, strategies for meeting locals are varied and while I don't want to postulate on how the breeders would do it (likely in missionary) I do believe it's easier for gay travelers and particularly easy if you happen to be on the attractive side of things.

Which brings me to local meeting strategy #1: Grindr

The internets turn out to be better for more than porn and stealing music, they're also a fantastic way to meet people. Grindr is one of many 'social networking' tools out there for your smart device. It's usefulness is marked by the fact that it displays other Grindr users based on proximity to yourself - an ideal feature whether you're engaged in a sex-cation or just looking to meet a new mate for a beer (but please note a vodka & soda has about 300 less calories and 30 less carbs; if you're going to drink please do so responsibly).

Now, having used Grindr for a number of years both abroad and at home I have come to learn a few things about profile strategies. I don't expect to be writing the gospel or anything earth shattering but based on my experiences some of these are not so obvious to some other users.

Rule #1: marketing, marketing, marketing

Congratulations, you've downloaded Grindr and you're officially dived into the shallow end of the gay pool party (aka Boy Soup). You must always remember that you are officially selling yourself and are one step closer to full blown prostitution. In any case if you're going to be hooker it's always best to be high end and classy like Kate Middleton than toothless and trashy like Kim Kardashian (maybe not the best similie choices but they were the only prostitutes I could quickly think of). All the rules to follow fall under this umbrella principle: you are selling yourself.

Rule #2: Everyone has ONE good photo

I know you have it, somewhere along the way someone took a pic of you where you look half decent. Maybe it was the dim lighting, standing 100ft away, the angle, the subsequent photo shop or those sunglasses that cover half your face but somehow you managed to look attractive. Use this photo. If you're unsure which photo this may be I promise you it will not have any of the following aspects:
-Be taken from below looking up at you highlighting your chins, how flat your cheekbones or looking up your nose
-Highlight your worst physical features such as your flabby ass, your flabby gut, your girlishly skinny arms, your acne, your alopecia (I know, it's so tough being gay)
-Duck lips

In general you should highlight what people compliment you on, if you've been told you have pretty eyes go with a good face pic, if you're facially hideous but have a kicking bod then you cant fail with a headless torso shot.

Rule #3: Honesty is relative

Now that you're tricking people into believing you're good looking don't go and blow it with a profile that says "average guy looking to meet other average guys". You are selling yourself in 160 characters or less so fucking do it! Think of it like your resume and when in doubt: lie. Profiles to avoid:

-Lonely guy. Talk to me.
-Anything that contains the words average or bored/boring
-Actual sizes of your body parts, in general add 2 inches to anything shorter than a foot and 4 inches to anything longer than a foot except your waist
-Where are all the good guys?
-Looking for love

If you're ugly, fat, stupid and have a small dick go with an easy standard: traveling Canadian. If you're stupid you should replace the word Canadian with your nationality... which can be found in your passport.

Rule #4: Don't be offended

Grindr is not real life, if you're not getting the desired response from the desired guys then don't get pissy and send nasty messages. Move on you big fruit and maybe change your photo. You're not going to get someone into bed by calling them a cunt or a filthy moose fucker (that last one was actually sent to me by a charming local Australian). Even if you're more like a girl be a man for once and keep your chin up.

Rule #5: ABC

Always Be Closing. You are selling yourself, if the goal is to meet up for a beer put it out there early and repeatedly. Don't accept "sure, sometime" as a response. At that stage you've won the intent but lost the sale because you were a pussy. Set a date, time and location and the best fucking date, time and location is right fucking now. Grindr gays are like mildly retarded baby ducks, you simply must convert the convo to a meeting while you have an iota of interest or you'll likely never hear from them again as something smarter, fitter and more interesting will have come along.

If you're looking for sex for the love of god do not let them jack off to your pictures and dirty talk. That cum was destined for your face, mouth, chest or ass and now it's in a kleenex headed down the drain. Restrain yourself from giving away the farm. Once they think you're hot and want your dick close like you've never before and get the right now meeting.

So there you have it, the 5 Grindr rules that will make meeting locals that much easier. You're welcome, you nasty prostitute.

Departures

Welcome to my new blog! Conceived with the gay traveller in mind this space is a work in progress but is here to publish whatever I see fit to write in regards to travel in general and my own experiences abroad in particular.

If you must know I'm a 27 year old, gay Canadian male and a prolific traveler. I work to live and am currently writing from Australia where I'm focusing on the living part after spending the last year and a half working to be down here guilt and work free.

Enjoy the blog, comments are wide open if you so care to participate but if I think you're being a nasty cunt I'll delete it.

Cheers!

Andy