Review: Grindr

I'm a big believer in the importance of meeting locals when traveling. Not only does this provide incomparable insight into a city's "hidden gems" but it's also an essential part of actually experiencing a city the way people live in it. As a Canadian I know we're everywhere, and in any given city I can likely find another Canadian traveler at damn near any hostel, particularly if that hostel provides free breakfast and wifi (Canadian backpackers tend to be value shoppers).

Now, strategies for meeting locals are varied and while I don't want to postulate on how the breeders would do it (likely in missionary) I do believe it's easier for gay travelers and particularly easy if you happen to be on the attractive side of things.

Which brings me to local meeting strategy #1: Grindr

The internets turn out to be better for more than porn and stealing music, they're also a fantastic way to meet people. Grindr is one of many 'social networking' tools out there for your smart device. It's usefulness is marked by the fact that it displays other Grindr users based on proximity to yourself - an ideal feature whether you're engaged in a sex-cation or just looking to meet a new mate for a beer (but please note a vodka & soda has about 300 less calories and 30 less carbs; if you're going to drink please do so responsibly).

Now, having used Grindr for a number of years both abroad and at home I have come to learn a few things about profile strategies. I don't expect to be writing the gospel or anything earth shattering but based on my experiences some of these are not so obvious to some other users.

Rule #1: marketing, marketing, marketing

Congratulations, you've downloaded Grindr and you're officially dived into the shallow end of the gay pool party (aka Boy Soup). You must always remember that you are officially selling yourself and are one step closer to full blown prostitution. In any case if you're going to be hooker it's always best to be high end and classy like Kate Middleton than toothless and trashy like Kim Kardashian (maybe not the best similie choices but they were the only prostitutes I could quickly think of). All the rules to follow fall under this umbrella principle: you are selling yourself.

Rule #2: Everyone has ONE good photo

I know you have it, somewhere along the way someone took a pic of you where you look half decent. Maybe it was the dim lighting, standing 100ft away, the angle, the subsequent photo shop or those sunglasses that cover half your face but somehow you managed to look attractive. Use this photo. If you're unsure which photo this may be I promise you it will not have any of the following aspects:
-Be taken from below looking up at you highlighting your chins, how flat your cheekbones or looking up your nose
-Highlight your worst physical features such as your flabby ass, your flabby gut, your girlishly skinny arms, your acne, your alopecia (I know, it's so tough being gay)
-Duck lips

In general you should highlight what people compliment you on, if you've been told you have pretty eyes go with a good face pic, if you're facially hideous but have a kicking bod then you cant fail with a headless torso shot.

Rule #3: Honesty is relative

Now that you're tricking people into believing you're good looking don't go and blow it with a profile that says "average guy looking to meet other average guys". You are selling yourself in 160 characters or less so fucking do it! Think of it like your resume and when in doubt: lie. Profiles to avoid:

-Lonely guy. Talk to me.
-Anything that contains the words average or bored/boring
-Actual sizes of your body parts, in general add 2 inches to anything shorter than a foot and 4 inches to anything longer than a foot except your waist
-Where are all the good guys?
-Looking for love

If you're ugly, fat, stupid and have a small dick go with an easy standard: traveling Canadian. If you're stupid you should replace the word Canadian with your nationality... which can be found in your passport.

Rule #4: Don't be offended

Grindr is not real life, if you're not getting the desired response from the desired guys then don't get pissy and send nasty messages. Move on you big fruit and maybe change your photo. You're not going to get someone into bed by calling them a cunt or a filthy moose fucker (that last one was actually sent to me by a charming local Australian). Even if you're more like a girl be a man for once and keep your chin up.

Rule #5: ABC

Always Be Closing. You are selling yourself, if the goal is to meet up for a beer put it out there early and repeatedly. Don't accept "sure, sometime" as a response. At that stage you've won the intent but lost the sale because you were a pussy. Set a date, time and location and the best fucking date, time and location is right fucking now. Grindr gays are like mildly retarded baby ducks, you simply must convert the convo to a meeting while you have an iota of interest or you'll likely never hear from them again as something smarter, fitter and more interesting will have come along.

If you're looking for sex for the love of god do not let them jack off to your pictures and dirty talk. That cum was destined for your face, mouth, chest or ass and now it's in a kleenex headed down the drain. Restrain yourself from giving away the farm. Once they think you're hot and want your dick close like you've never before and get the right now meeting.

So there you have it, the 5 Grindr rules that will make meeting locals that much easier. You're welcome, you nasty prostitute.